How to Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a Terrible Person)
If setting boundaries makes you feel guilty, you’re not alone—but you don’t have to stay stuck.
You know you should set boundaries. You know it’s important. And yet, every time you even think about saying no, your stomach twists. The guilt creeps in. The worry about how they’ll react takes over. It feels unbearable. So instead, you say yes (again), overextend yourself (again), or just keep quiet to keep the peace… and wonder why it’s so easy for other people to hold their boundaries but so hard for you.
Sound familiar? You’re not broken, and you’re definitely not selfish. The problem isn’t that you’re bad at boundaries—it’s that you were never taught how to set them in a way that feels safe.
Why Boundaries Feel So Hard
People-pleasers struggle with boundaries for a reason. Maybe you learned early on that being agreeable kept the peace. Maybe saying no led to arguments, disappointment, or rejection. Or maybe you absorbed the message that being “nice” means always being available.
I still remember vividly the feeling of realising that a relative was sad about a wish I expressed and how gut wrenching it felt to have disappointed them. It immediately felt not only like I’d made the wrong decision or said the wrong thing, but that I was actually ‘bad’, too. And especially when we’re young, most of us don’t have the awareness or skills to handle those big feelings and so of course, we develop coping mechanisms - and people-pleasing to keep everyone happy was one of mine.
But here’s the truth: Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out or being unkind. They’re about letting the right people in—on terms that honour your well-being just as much as theirs. And ultimately, setting boundaries actually protects and nourishes those relationships.
What Happens When You Don’t Set Boundaries?
The cost of avoiding boundaries is high:
You say yes when you mean no, leading to exhaustion and resentment.
You stretch yourself too thin, leaving little energy for what you need.
You feel invisible—like everyone else’s needs matter more than yours.
You avoid hard conversations, which actually makes relationships weaker, not stronger.
But setting boundaries doesn’t have to be a battle. In fact, it can be one of the most loving things you do—for yourself and for others.
Those deep, reciprocal, meaningful relationships you’re craving? That spaciousness and ease you’re after? I’m afraid they’re on the other side of setting boundaries.
Before Boundaries: The Deep Work That Makes Them Feel Possible
If the idea of setting boundaries feels completely overwhelming, you’re not alone—and you’re not failing. Boundaries aren’t the first step for everyone. In fact, trying to set them too soon can backfire if you haven’t done the internal work first.
Sometimes, before we can confidently say no or hold limits, we need to start with something much simpler: Noticing.
Noticing when you feel drained after an interaction.
Noticing the tiny voice inside saying, I actually don’t want to do this.
Noticing the guilt that creeps in at the mere thought of putting yourself first.
Just observing these patterns without judgment is an incredibly powerful first step. Before we change anything externally, we want to build the self-awareness and inner safety to support those changes.
If boundaries feel impossible right now, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re stuck forever—it just means we need to start with the internal shifts first.
How to Set Boundaries (Without the Guilt Spiral)
Step 1: Start Small (Boundaries Aren’t All or Nothing)
You don’t have to start by saying “no” to everything. Try something simple that you don’t necessarily even need to communicate to anyone, like not answering work emails after hours or pausing before automatically saying yes to plans. Small wins build confidence and self trust.
Step 2: Use Gentle, Clear Language
If you do decide that it’s time to say “no”, because someone asks something of you that just feels impossible, reframe it:
“I’d love to help, but I don’t have the capacity right now.”
“I can’t make it this time, but I’d love to catch up soon.”
“I need some time for myself this weekend, but I hope you have fun!”
Step 3: Normalise and Prepare for the Discomfort (It Won’t Feel Good at First!)
If you’ve spent years saying yes, setting boundaries will feel uncomfortable at first. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong—it means you’re growing. Guilt doesn’t mean you’re being selfish. It means you’re stepping into self-respect. Support yourself and your nervous system throughout this process. If you know you’re going to have a tricky conversation, let’s have a plan ready for afterwards, when you’re left with that slightly panicked, slightly sick heart-racing feeling of guilt (or however it presents itself for you). Could you take yourself for a walk? Would putting some music on and singing or dancing it out help? Think ahead to what you might need.
The Most Important Boundary of All? The One You Set With Yourself.
The real work isn’t just about setting limits with others—it’s about learning to honour your own needs. To stop abandoning yourself. To trust that you deserve kindness, care, and space just as much as anyone else.
✨ If you’re ready to build confidence in setting boundaries and finally break free from people-pleasing, my 1:1 coaching program, Me Era, is here to support you. Let’s chat about what this could look like for you. 💛
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