Why You’re Not ‘Broken’—The Truth About People-Pleasing (And How to Start Reclaiming Yourself)
If you feel like you’ll never stop people-pleasing, you’re not alone.
But here’s the truth: You’re not broken—you’ve just been taught to put others first.
For years, you’ve been bending over backward to keep everyone happy. You say yes when you want to say no. You overthink texts, worry about how others perceive you, and carry the weight of everyone else’s emotions on your shoulders. And deep down, you wonder… Why am I like this? Why can’t I just stop?
I want you to hear this loud and clear: People-pleasing isn’t who you are—it’s something you learned. And that means you can unlearn it.
People-Pleasing Is a Coping Mechanism, Not a Personality Trait
At its core, people-pleasing is about safety. At some point in your life—maybe in childhood, maybe later—you learned that being agreeable, accommodating, and “easy” kept you safe. Maybe it earned you love and approval. Maybe it helped you avoid conflict or disappointment. Over time, this became automatic. And we all prefer to be liked, it’s just that for you (and so many others, past me included!), it became essential, the thing that mattered more than most other things.
But here’s the thing: You’re not a bad person for wanting to be liked. You’re not weak for struggling to say no. Your brain is just following an old, deeply ingrained pattern that once served you.
And now? That pattern is keeping you stuck.
The Hidden Costs of People-Pleasing
You already know the struggle:
Constantly putting others first, even when you’re exhausted.
Feeling resentful but struggling to speak up.
Overanalysing conversations, worrying you’ve upset someone.
Saying “yes” to avoid discomfort, then regretting it later.
The problem isn’t that you care—it’s that you’ve been taught to care about everyone and everything else at your own expense. And the longer you ignore your own needs, the more disconnected you become from yourself.
How to Start Reclaiming Yourself (Without Overwhelm)
The idea of suddenly setting boundaries, saying no, and putting yourself first can feel terrifying, which is why so many of us just don’t change anything - after all, people-pleasing is our comfort zone and feels MUCH safer. Chances are, any time we try something different, our brain does everything it can to force us back into our comfort zone (aka people-pleasing).
So, that’s why we start small! The goal isn’t to stop caring—it’s to care about yourself too.
Step 1: Start Noticing Your Automatic “Yes” Responses
At this point, we’re not even going to actually DO anything different, just notice when you say yes out of habit. No judgement or beating yourself up—just awareness and curiosity: Instead of, “Ugh, here I go again”, more “Hmm, that was interesting - I didn’t even fancy coffee, but immediately heard myself agreeing before I’d even thought about it.”. Pay attention to those little (or big) twinges of discomfort that tell you, I actually don’t want to do this.
Step 2: Practice Pausing Before Agreeing to Anything
When someone asks for your time, energy, or help, take a breath before responding. Perhaps even try saying, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.” This gives you space to really consider the request and move towards making a decision that actually honours your needs.
Initially, this might feel too uncomfortable to do in person, so if that’s the case I’d suggest practising when a request comes by e-mail or perhaps text message. Instead of instantly replying, sit with how that request feels for a moment before you reply. Again, there’s not even necessarily a need to do anything differently at this point - for many of my clients pushing back or even talking about checking their schedule will feel too out of reach at this early stage. But the awareness you’re building through this practice is an essential part of the journey.
Step 3: Get Curious About What You Want
If you’ve spent years prioritizing others, it might feel hard to even know what you want. So again, we’re going to start small: What brings you joy? What makes you feel at ease? What would you do if you weren’t worrying about how others felt?
This step can be combined well with step 2 - before replying to someone’s request, really notice: Does it feel like you have the capacity to do what they’re asking? Does it feel like something you want to do? Again, that doesn’t mean you need to decline or push back at this point, but this spaciousness you’re building by taking time to check in with yourself before responding - it’s interrupting an automated pattern and that’s more powerful than you think.
You’re Not Broken. You’re Becoming.
Unlearning people-pleasing isn’t about becoming someone else—it’s about coming home to yourself. The version of you that doesn’t apologize for existing. The version that can be kind and have boundaries. The version that trusts her own voice.
Are you ready to take the next step? If this resonated with you and you’re craving to be supported on this journey, my 1:1 coaching program, Me Era, is designed to help you unlearn the habits keeping you stuck so you can step into confidence, peace, and self-trust. Let’s talk. 💛